Jokes!

[Heather]

I used to be a photo shop manager, back when 35mm film was much more popular than digital, well--digital came later, right before I left the business... but here is something funny I remember:

Photo is of a beach scene. The sun is going down. A child is sitting in the sand to the right side of the photo.

Client looks at photo, scrunches up his face: "Hmm, looks a little weird color wise.. Too yellow. Too orange.."

Me: "Well, yes sir, the picture was taken as the sun was going down."

Client: "Uh huh.. well, can you at least do something with that really yellowish orangish thing in the middle?"

Me (trying not to burst out laughing): "That is the sun..."

Client"Yeah. I am thinking perhaps a green.."

I couldn't wait to get away from the service counter. I needed a restroom. How funny... and the way he was looking down at me because I am a lowly photo manager, he is a big time client...LOL!! It's the freaking SUN...you want it GREEN? LMAO

[Heather]

The Millionaire

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.” A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?” “Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”

[Heather]

The Reason I'm Tired

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

[Deleted]

lol

[~apple~]

[Heather]

Hun, I'm quitting my job and going to learn to become a psychic. Now I know what you're thinking, well not yet. I'm going to learn though!

[The Enigma Shew]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[momo]

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model !!!

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!