Getting to know you.

[Heather]

Welcome newcomers. Please, come tell us some things about yourself right here.

[Heather]

I will introduce myself here again, for those that are not acquainted with me yet.

I am a 41 yr old lady. Divorced, but in a long term relationship. I have one child, a son who is now 21 yrs old. He is in prison for the next 30yrs to life.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence. I do have lasting scars from that abuse. Mostly mental in the form of certain mental illnesses, mostly depression, PTSD and anxiety disorders. There are still some physical scars too, but those don't hurt me anymore.

My mom committed suicide when I was 9. I lost my dad to lung cancer in August 2012. And my son committed his crime in May, 2013. I miss him immensely.

I guess, maybe I am so open now because what else is there for me to lose at this point? ...honestly, material items come and go. For me, the people in my life mean more than all the jewels in the world.

If I call you my friend, I mean it. If you're lucky enough to hear "I love you." from me, that means I love you and trust you with knowing it. I am kind of an open book.

Ask me a question, I will give you my truth. But don't play head games with me. And do not bully my friends. I won't allow it here or in real life.

[Deleted]

Will be returning t this thread in a bit Heather to resppond to some things you wrote above and write some more about myself :)

[Deleted]

Hiya Heather :)

First of all i'm sorry to read about all the things you've had to go through and endure in your life. I know from my own experience how long the road can be. I recognised a lot in your post. Like you i'm a long time survivor of abuse. I've grown up with child abuse and had a couple of pretty bad abusive relationships as well. For years it screwed my life up and i was in therapy and such in the past for years. But at some point I managed to overcome it all. I have been out of therapy for 8 years now and hardly ever get depressed anymore apart from the occasional one or a couple of down days. A lot changed when 8 years ago i made a change in myself and almost turned 180 degrees in my thinking about things and life. I had been thinking pretty negative for years and while that was understandable it wasn't exactly helpful in moving beyond everything i had been through

The scars remain of course, those will never go. But the pain and hurt is gone and has been dealth with.

Nowadays i'm a very positive thinking person and believe strongly in the power of positive thinking. I also love to listen to people and love to try and help out if i can but have no patience for some people who just seem to want to get attention and nothing else.

In my intro over on the other thread in the introductions I already wrote I collect teddybears...there's a bit of a story behind that...

Thing is this: 7 years ago, i was in a position in life where i had literally nothing at all left. I didnt trust anything or anyoe anymore and basically was close to pretty much wanting t end it all. During that time, for the first time in my life I met a true friend. Someone that loved me the way I was and didn't judge me, my long hair, my music, my ways of thinking etc. Someone that wanted to help me move on. And it was also a friend that didn't let me wallow in self pity, that didn't hesitate to kick my behind if i did and that kept pressuring me to change my mind to a positive mindset. I am still to this day more grateful then i can even express in words that she never let me wallow in self pity and taught me to start fighting again.

Through the eyars that changed me completely and nowadays im a very positive person generally and believe in good things and friendship and love. All that remains from the past is a healthy dose of being careful :)

Now...seven years ago, this friend also gave me my first teddybear. It was a symbol of friendship and warmth, a symbol the world could change....and that is how my teddybear collecting started :) And nowadays, my best friends call me teddy, both on and offline. It's not my official name, but yet again, for me it is, I feel totally at home with the name teddy :)

[Heather]

I'm sorry you too have experienced the pain of abuse. It's something that is frighteningly not as rare as it was once thought to be. I am pretty sure that most people I've met have had some kind of abuse in their lives.

Can you elaborate on what exactly changed how you viewed the world? I am still in a place of depression. I am afraid it just is always going to be that way.

I've gone to counseling. I've tried the positive thinking stuff- I've pretended to be happy in the hopes it will somehow make me actually happy. I'm just not sure that can happen for me.

I can say that I am not suicidal. I once was. It is kind of a miracle that I didn't succeed in taking my own life as I had practiced it over and over in my mind for a long time.

How did you actually learn to move on and just learn to live in a positive way?

I am currently taking anti-depressants, which sometimes help and sometimes don't. My anti- anxiety medication is habit forming so I don't take it all the time, currently I am not taking it.

[Deleted]

I will get back to your message and questions in a bit Heather...and believe me, just because you haven't escaped from that depression land yet, don't mean it's not possible :)